Biostatistics Poetry  

Baby Got Stats                Audio
lyrics by Dorry Segev
to the music (is it really music?) of "Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix-A-Lot

(spoken by 2 epi grad students)
oh my god, Becky, look at his log file, it is so big,
he looks like one of those biostats grad students
but, you know, who understands biostats?
they only hired him because he looks like a total geek, ok?
i mean, his log file is like 200 pages.
i can't believe he even calculated, like, what's a Schoenfeld residual?
i mean -- gross. look! he's just so... smart!

i like good stats and i cannot lie,
you other brothers can't deny,
that when you get some data, and you put it in STATA,
and it spits out a beta of 10 you get sprung
and you're thinkin "no way -- gonna send that to JAMA today!"

couldn't be any fairer, cause i've got no residual error
oh data, i wanna get withya, regress and fit ya
my mentor tried to warn me, but those odds ratios get me so horny
ooh add a spline term, you say you wanna perfect fit?
just add a quadratic, with STATA it's automatic.

you seen my 2-tail, kickin' it on the log scale,
no leaf, no stem, got it going with GLM
i'm tired of magazines saying exact tests are the things,
take the average grad student, she will say, i like your logit way

so fellas, fellas, did you download the DTA,
well shake it, shake it, shake and regress today
baby got stats

i like my R-squared's big, the AUC i dig, i just can't help myself
analyzin' like an animal, now here's my scandal
i wanna sit at home and sum, double-up, sum-of-squares
i ain't talkin' exact test, large sample assumption is the best.

i want a high coefficient, so find a cohort study,
if the data's muddy, i'll clean it up with my buddy.
put a paper in Nature or Cell, takes 7 years to do it well,
you can tell everyone i'm a geek, but i'll write my grant in a week.

a word to you epi sistas, i wanna get withya, i won't overfit ya,
but it's gonna be great when we're playin with
Cox (Sir David, that is) til the break of dawn,
STATA got it goin' on,
a lot of people gonna be served,
they don't know their proportional hazards, but i got me a log log curve
and i shout, without a doubt, don't make me get my DO file out

so ladies, ladies, using methods from the 80's?
well don't resign, get STATA 9, and your thesis will be fine
baby got stats

yeah baby, when it comes to regression models,
epi ain't got nothing to do with my selection.
2x2 tables?
yeah, only if it's AJE

so my girlfriend likes my chevy, and thinks calculus is heavy,
but i got strict rules for "exploring" in the back of my chevy,
my final model don't want none unless your p is 0.01
you can do stepwise or subsets, or even AIC.

some brothers analyze survival, tell you censoring just dont count,
but i find them, and remind them, competing risks are behind them,
so they teach STATA in class, and the real world uses SAS,
but remember that STATA is nearly free,
and for SAS you pay a yearly fee.

scatterplots i do adore, but i can do much more,
you want prediction, i'll create it, bootstrap and validate it.
a 650 geek went too far, tried to do it all in R,
he had game but he didn't perfect it, and Annals had to reject it.

so ladies if your budget's tight, ask me to do your stats tonight,
you'll have a valid sample size, and get your nobel prize
baby got stats

(you don't get out but you got good stats)
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It's Just STATA Code To Me              Audio
by Dorry Segev, Biostatistics 653
(to the music of "It's Still Rock'N'Roll To Me" by Billy Joel)

What's the matter with the p I'm getting?
Can't you tell your CI's too wide?
Maybe I should check the line I'm fitting.
Type predict and don't ask why.
How have you been exploring all your data?
Things are automated if you do it all in STATA.
Everybody's talkin' 'bout regression
Funny, but it's just STATA code to me

What's the matter with my Kaplan-Meier?
Your control group is far too sick.
How'm I gonna make my hazard higher?
Use the backward stepwise trick.
Nowadays you can't be too automatic
You think you want a spline but it knows you want quadratic.
2-tail, no fail, do it on the log scale,
It's just STATA code to me

Oh, it doesn't matter what you write in your papers
Cause no-one has the sense to gauge
A forced model fills your needs
And JAMA never reads what you write in your methods page
We live in a peer-review age

Calculus doesn't lend itself to clarity
But we don't need to worry a bit.
Cause vif will check for collinearity
And estat, for goodness-of-fit.
When I'm feeling despair, worried and weary,
I remember that software is easier than theory.
Use 2 strata, you'll get a better beta,
It's just STATA code to me.

Fitting models now is my obsession,
My friends say I'm out of touch.
When I'm alone I like to do my own regression.
My friends say I think too much.
Don't you know about the glm command?
Gaussian, binomial, or logit on demand!
Use 2 strata, you'll get a better beta,
It's just STATA code to me.
Everybody's talkin' 'bout r-squared
Funny, but it's just STATA code to me
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Should Height Stay or Should Height Go Now
by Gayle Springer
(done to the music of Should I Stay or Should I Go Now, The Clash)


Stata you got to let me know
should height stay or should height go
if you say that it's point oh-five
It'll be here till the end of time
so you got to let me know
should height stay or should height go
Its always tease tease tease
you're happy when I'm on my knees
one var is fine the next is wrong
so if you want it to belong
well come on and let me know
should height stay or should height go
Should height stay or should height go now
Should height stay or should height go now
If height goes there will be trouble
and if height stays the odds will double
so come on and let me know
this indecision's bugging me
if you don't regress try lowess
Exactly splines, my best guess
Don't you know which coefficients fit best
come on and let me know
should height cool it or should height blow
Should height stay or should height go now
If height goes there will be trouble
and if height stays the odds will double
so you gotta let me know
should height cool it or should height blow
Should height stay or should height go now
If height goes there will be trouble
and if height stays the odds will double
so you gotta let me know
should height stay or should height go

Darling you got to let me know
should I stay or should I go
if you say that you are mine
I'll be here till the end of time
so you got to let me know
should I stay or should I go
It's always tease tease tease
you're happy when I'm on my knees
one day is fine the next is black
so if you want me off your back
well come on and let me know
should I stay or should I go
Should I stay or should I go now
should I stay or should I go now
if I go there will be trouble
and if I stay it will be double
so come on and let me know
This indecision's bugging me (esta undecision me molesta)
if you don't want me set me free (si no me quieres librame)
exactly who'm I'm supposed to be (diga me que tengo ser)
don't you know which clothes even fit me (saves que robas me queurda)
come on and let me know (me tienes que desir)
should I cool it or should I blow (me debo ir yo quedarme)
Should I stay or should I go now (yo me frio o lo sophlo)
if I go there will be trouble (si me voi va ver peligro)
and if I stay it will be double (si me quedo es doble)
so you gotta let me know (me tienes que decir)
should I cool it or should I blow (yo me frio o lo sophlo)
Should I stay or should I go now (yo me frio o lo sophlo)
if I go there will be trouble (si me voi va ver peligro)
and if I stay it will be double (si me quedo es doble)
so you gotta let me know (me tienes que decir)
should I stay or should I go
Should I Stay or Should I Go Now, The Clash
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Do File (sung to the tune of Do Lord)
by Terrence Lee

Stata is better than Cary, North C
Better than "S"s surrounding a "P"
Better than R or BMDP
Stata Code Rules

Chorus:
Do File, oh do file oh Do regress for me
Throw in a mkspline or lincom for free
Donít need menus just type it you see
Stata code Rules!

I hate GUI, I like DOS
No mouse for me
Bill thought it right with 6-40 mem'ry
Green type on Black minds me TRS Eighty
Stata code Rules!

CHORUS

Gen replace
Gen replace
Make up your mind
Ooh separate window for graph of a line
Canít see your data
Simultan - e - ous - ly !
Stata code rules!

CHORUS
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Last edited: 01 March, 2007